How not to break up / Como não terminar um namoro

So easy to get a boyfriend when you are 15, but so hard to get rid off the loser. Yeah I was dating one.  So it was 1982 and no longer want to marry him. MARRY!!!  Eeeeew!  It was a constant battle between him against my parents. One didn't like each other and me in the middle, so not meant to be from the start. But slowly I started to realize that he wasn't the one for me.
But there was a problem: I didn't know how I was going to tell him the news. Today it is sooo simple, you look at the fella and say something like: Pshhh: Gonna cook salty cod fish, you better go back to your baby mamma!

But back then I was naive, a heart of pure gold. I don't know exactly why I felt sorry for him but that day I was determined to break up, and I had some training in front of the mirror and all that , took all the courage and went outside to see him. Then I remember that a few months before I saw the film ET and some years before "Close encounters" from Steve Spielberg and got a neat idea to scare him off. As I was a crazy nut for aliens spaceships and all sorts of outer space things.

We sat down on the sidewalk and I was looking at the sky, many trees above us and power lines. A gorgeous dark night with many stars shining and what could have started as a romantic evening ended up in disaster of the third kind!
So i pointed to some star up there and said:

Me: See that star? It's a planet, and I came from there.

Gasp!

Him: Really? But as far as I know that is a star not a planet. ( And he pointed all the planets left to me)

Shit! He knows about planets. Why I didn't check that before? Never mind, let's go on with the nonsense.

Me: Well It is a planet I'm telling you. Very very small. But a pretty decent place to live and I was dying to tell you that for so long.

Him: Tell me what?

Me:  (GASP!) That I'm not a human. I may look like one but I'm not exactly what you see. Actually you cannot really see me who I am. You better go away before the whole thing starts.

Him : (Laughing) Really? And who are you?

Me: (GAAAAASP!)  An alien!

How bloody embarrassing!

Him: An alien? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This should be a sign to stop the nonsense but to me it was too late.

Me: Yes, and they are going to call me pretty soon. I have to go back ( ET GO HOME?)

Him: What are you doing about your parents? Your sister, your baby brother? Your 367 cousins and specially me?

Did he had to bring my family and himself to the conversation? It was because of them that I wanted to go to another planet anyway!

Me: Well you guys will never remember about me. The moment they come to get me everything will erase and you are not going to remember a thing.

Oh yeah a nice answer ! Now he is going to stop making stupid questions.

Him: Interesting! Very interesting! So what do you do up there?

Bloody hell! Here we go, he is going to ask questions all night long!

Me: Well I go to school. I still very young you know?

Him: And why on earth they send you down here if you are just a student?

Me: Well to learn a few things. It's a process you have to go through.

Him: What things? Aren't you guys superior than us?

(Gasp! Not really! WHY WHY LORD I STARTED THIS STUPID CONVERSATION?)

Me: Yes we are but we travel to all planets to check if you guys are doing exactly what we expect from you.

Him: Are you telling me that we are guided by people from your planet?

Me: Sort of. There is always free will and the people who chooses not to follow rules.

Him: And what do you do about these people?

Me: We kinda zap them out you know? You are here one day, the next you don't and no one will miss you.

Him: Interesting! How about dictators? Why don't you zap them all?

Me: There are more interesting people to zap in this world. ( Oh yeah!)

Him: Well why don't you zap that huge possum walking on the power line up there?

I ran for my life and forgot my super powers and had to date that loser for another year.

The end! Steven Spielberg mess up with my life big time! I guess i chose the wrong movie. Should have taken him to the beach , get a stupid shark hat and scare him off just like Jaws! I would give him a heart attack for sure.

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Tão fácil arrumar namorado aos 15 anos, o difícil era terminar. Sim, eu estava namorando. Era 1982 e decidi que não queria mais casar com ele. CASAR!!!! Credo! Era uma batalha constante entre ele e meus pais. Um não gostava do outro e eu ali no meio, não era pra ser mesmo, pois começou errado lá do começo. Mas devagar eu consegui enxergar que ele não era lá grandes coisas.
Mas existia um pequeno problema: Eu nao sabia terminar uma relação, como eu ia falar pra ele que tudo tinha terminado, que eu não gostava mais dele, que eu ia era fazer a fila andar? Hoje é bem simples,  é só esconder o controle remoto de alguma coisa.

Mas eu era bem ingênua, um coração de ouro. Não sei exatamente a razão de não conseguir terminar, sentia pena (nunca de mim mesma) mas aquele dia eu acordei determinada, eu ia terminar! Ah ia! Treinei até na frente do espelho, criei coragem e sai para encontrá-lo. Já na saida bate aquele remorso, a garganta seca, eu já sabia que nao ia nem sair palavras, mas ai lembrei que uns meses atras eu vi o filme ET e uns anos tambem vi Contatos Imediatos do Terceiro Grau do Steve Spielberg e tive uma "brilhante" idéia para enxotar o namoradinho chato.

Sentamos na calçada de frente para o meu portão, eu ficava olhando para o céu, um mundo de árvores e fios elétricos acima da gente. Uma noite linda e escura e o que era pra começar como algo romântico, terminou em desastre do terceiro grau!

Eu: Tá vendo aquela estrela? É um planeta e é de lá que eu vim.

"GLUMP!"

Ele: Ah é? Mas que eu saiba é só uma estrela mesmo, não é planeta não. ( E ainda apontou todos os outros planetas que eu não tinha nem idéia).

Isso que dá entrar em conversinha fiada sem estar preparada viu? Por que raios eu não chequei a Barsa Universal do meu pai? ( Minha época era Barsa e não Google). Mas continuei com a conversa pra boi dormir ( ou rir?).

Eu: É um planeta sim, tô dizendo. Bem pequeno mas bem legal de morar viu? Eu estava doida pra te contar isso.

Ele: Me dizer o quê?

Eu: ( GLUUUUMP!) Que não sou humana, posso até parecer mas não sou exatamente o que voce vê. Na verdade voce realmente não me vê como sou. E acho melhor voce ir embora antes que a coisa toda comece a rolar.

Ele: (Rindo horrores) Ah é? E voce é quem mesmo?

Ai gente que vergonha, eu MORRO de vergonha de lembrar que disse isso pra alguem um dia:

Eu: ( GLUMP)  Eu sou uma extra terrestre.

Ele: Uma extra terrestre HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Já era o momento certo pra dizer algo: primeiro de abril eu tô zoando. Mas não, agora eu não ia voltar atras não, era o meu passe pra liberdade.

Eu: Pois é, e eles vão me chamar em breve viu? Eu tenho que voltar. ( Só faltou o dedinho igual do ET apontado pro céu).

Ele: E o que voce vai fazer com os seus pais? Sua irmã? Seu irmãozinho? Seus 367 primos e primas? E eu?

Ai cacilda, era exatamente por causa deles que eu queria morar no maldito espaço!

Eu: Não se preocupe, voces nem vão se lembrar de mim. Na hora que eles chegarem tudo vai desaparecer da mente de voces, não vão lembrar nadica de nada.

Finalmente uma resposta boa, valeu ter lido tudo sobre extra terrestres, ovnis e aquelas palhaçadas todas!

Ele: Interessante, e o que voce faz lá em cima?

Ô inferno, vai fazer pergunta a noite toda, já era hora de ter parado.

Eu: Ah eu vou pra escola, ainda sou bem nova sabe?

Ele: E por que raios eles te mandaram descer aqui se voce é só uma estudante?

Eu: Ué, pra aprender umas coisas. É tudo um processo que todo mundo precisa passar.

Ele: Mas aprender o quê se voces são muito muito muito superiores que a gente?

Arrê égua! Não a gente não é superior coisa alguma, por quê eu comecei essa conversa de jerico?

Eu: Funciona assim: A gente fica viajando de planeta em planeta pra ver se voces estão fazendo tudo direitinho do jeito que a gente quer.  (Ô criatura abestada e arrogante!)

Ele: E o que voces fazem com as criaturas que não fazem o que voces querem?

Eu: A gente senta um raio de luz e a pessoa desaparece por todo o sempre. Um dia voce está aqui , no outro não e ninguem vai sentir a sua falta.

Ele: Interessante, e por que voces não dão fim nos ditadores mundiais?

Eu: Ah tem mais gente interessante pra gente dar fim ué!

Ele: Ah é mesmo? Entao dá um fim naquele gambá que esta andando no fio elétrico...

Gritei e sai correndo! Esqueci dos meus super poderes e tive que namorar aquele cretino por mais um ano tamanha a vergonha.

Fim. Realmente Steve Spielberg arruinou com a minha vida. Acho até que escolhi o filme errado dele. Tivesse levado aquele peste na praia e vestido aquele chapéu ridículo de tubarão, e era ataque cardiaco na certa! Nem precisava gastar saliva pra terminar com nada.

LIES ABOUT CATS - PART 2 / MENTIRAS SOBRE GATOS - PARTE 2

 I knew that all my cats lies would come one day to hunt me. Someone who didn't have a cat and ended up with two. Not exactly two: One that was about to became six and the other one that was wondering somewhere. Equals 7!!!!!

By now all my friends new what happened to my friend's cat and also that I payed for a total stranger for a cat that wasn't a neutered male but a pregnant female. So, just after this whole episode, I started getting some funny phone calls:

- Hello? I'm a lost cat! $ 200 bucks and you can have me! ( with a very high pitch voice)

Or:

- Meeeeeoooow...help me! I'm locked with this huge mad men and he wants to kill me if you don't show up here in the next 20 minutes... Meooow  Meooow Meoooooooooooooooooooooow!

Or:

Someone would just play the whole sound track from Andrew Lloid Weber: The lovely musical Cats (One of my favorite plays anyway).

Or:

Some sick person had the gut ( yeah!) to imitate a cat with a bad stomach on the phone, asking for help...

It was endless, things that I can't recall anymore. I deserved it after all. It went on for a long time.

So one fine day the lovely cat gave birth to 5 gorgeous kittens inside husband's closet. He was travelling. I helped her to give birth, a very emotional moment that I never forgot. Actually two things I learned about life through a cat: The whole process of giving birth and sexuality! ( Yeah sexuality will come in a new post). But I never imagine myself helping someone giving birth, that happened so fast that I never blinked, I was fascinated and somehow I managed. It was priceless to see her face after she gave birth and the bond we share from that moment on. She knew she was protected inside that closet, got her a nice box, with blankets, her food and water and littler next to her.

Then reality knocked on the door. I was sick worried about both cats. I lived in a rental home, and every 2 months I had this lady inspecting the house. Plus: Now I have a bunch of cats at home. Plus : the other runaway cat could show up at any moment. And knowing how Murphy's law always worked on my side, I'd never doubt that the runaway cat would knock on my door exactly at the same time when the inspector would show up.
So we went ahead and asked them if we could have cats but they made it clear that we could't have any sort of pet at that house, it was on the contract. So, we had to find a house to that lovely cat. I don't remember being so heart broken in my life! The kids crying when  we found a home for her and the kittens. It was horrible, horrible. And for that reason I never liked that home anymore.

We were still looking for the runaway cat. The shelters and the vet clinics were doing a great job trying to match the one we were looking for. Plus the ads, plus going everywhere trying to find him. But nothing. No luck, the runaway cat didn't showed up. We just had the neighboor's cat that would come once in a while to our home  just to pay us a visit  ( Another episode of my life to tell you folks!).

A few months passed and I went to a street sale just 4 roads down from my house. Met a old friend and this must be a veeeery small town because she kinda new and asked me what happened to the "cats" and we were chatting, she asked questions about the whole thing and I was talking and telling her all about it. We were in this huge house and a lady sitting in the corner was just listening very careful.

She came up to me and said:

Lady -  So have you lost a tiger cat a while ago?

Me: - Yes, ma'am a neutered , declawed male cat.

She went inside and came out with a chubby cat on her arms:

Lady: - Is this your lost cat?

I nearly fainted! There he was right in front of me! All fancied up! With a nice collar and looking happy and comfy. I had to catch my breath!

Lady: Is this your cat?

Me: - Yes! It is my friend's cat.

Lady: - He showed up here sometime ago and got along with my other cat. I put an ad but no one came along.

                                * Not even my friend Guga? The cat expert?

Me: - I don't understand how we missed your ad. We looked for him everywhere.

 Well she wasn't specific about which newspaper she put her ad on. As I never understood how she missed  ours too. But I don't know how long it took the cat to find her, never crossed my mind to ask her. But after that I thought is one of these things of destiny, after all he found a lovely lady that was taking very good care of him.

Lady: Would you like him back? I understand if you do.

   Well I had to explain to her that I had to call his owner, I called her and told the whole truth, that she already new. She couldn't keep the cat and I call the nice lady back saying that she could keep him.  She was very pleased, I was happy that the cat found a new home, a new family and a special brother to play with. And I ended up having no cats after all. It took us another 5 years to have a cat of our own.

I figured after this that I only have 7 lives to put up with my own cat craziness, and by now I was already short of 4 or 5.
More cat tales are yet to come folks!


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Mentiras sobre gatos - Parte 2

Eu sabia que todas as minhas mentiras de gatos iriam voltar contra mim qualquer hora. Nem demorou muito viu?. Alguem que não tinha gato algum, acabou ganhando 2. Nao exatamente 2: Um deles iria a qualquer momento se tornar 6 e o outro gato fujão que poderia voltar. A conta total daria 7 gatos!!!!!

E meus amigos já estavam sabendo da história toda. Que paguei para um estranho e ao invés de pegar um gato macho castrado,  acabei com uma gata grávida. E depois de tudo isso eu comecei a receber ligações bem engraçadinhas:

- Alô? Eu sou um gatinho perdido! $200 dólares e voce me recebe de volta! ( Com aquela vozinha bem fininha e irritante).

ou  

-  Miaaaaauuuuuuu...  Me ajude! Fui sequestrado por um homão doido e ele vai me matar se voce não aparecer por aqui nos próximos 20 minutos...  Miaaaauuuuu   Miaaaaauuuu   Miaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuu

ou  

Alguém colocava as músicas do Andrew Lloid Weber do musical Cats para tocar sem parar. Alias um dos musicais que eu mais gostei de assistir.

ou

Um debilóide ficava imitando um gato com dor de barriga pedindo socorro.

Foram inúmeras ligações, eu nem lembro de tudo. Mas até que foi merecido depois da papagaiada que eu consegui aprontar.

Um dia a gata deu a luz a 5 gatinhos fofinhos dentro do guarda-roupas do marido. Ele estava viajando. Eu a ajudei a trazer os gatinhos nesse mundão sem porteiras, momento super especial que eu guardo até hoje . Aliás, duas coisas que eu aprendi com gatos: Todo o processo de dar a luz e sexualidade! ( Essa vai virar um post nesse blog tambem). Mas eu nunca imaginei que pudesse ajudar alguém a dar a luz, aconteceu tão rápido que não tive tempo nem de piscar, fiquei tão fascinada com aquilo tudo e com a maneira que eu tive coragem de poder ajudar. A gata sabia que estava ali no cantinho dela, protegida dentro do armário, deixei uma caixa com cobertores pra ela e os gatinhos, comida, água e a caixinha de areia tudo perto.

Ai a realidade bateu, estava preocupadissima com toda aquela situação dos dois gatos. Morávamos numa casa de aluguel, e a cada 2 meses vinha uma mulher inspecionar a casa se estava tudo em ordem. E eu com aquela montanha de gatos na casa. O gato que fugiu poderia voltar a qualquer momento, e como a Lei de Murphy me persegue era bem possível que ele voltasse bem na hora que a mulher da inspeção apertasse a campainha.

Ligamos para a imobiliária para saber se podiamos ficar com o gato e fomos avisados que não tinhamos nem permissão para ter qualquer tipo de animal dentro daquela casa. Então começou o doloroso processo de encontrar um outro dono para a gata e seus filhotes, acho que não me lembro de passar por uma situação tão horrivel como essa, achamos uma casa para ela e os gatinhos e foi ainda mais horrivel, as crianças chorando e eu nunca mais gostei de viver naquela casa.

Ainda tinha o gato fujão pra correr atras, as clínicas e alojamentos de gatos nos ajudaram bastante a tentar localizá-lo, fora as propagandas e as caminhadas pela vizinhança toda atras dele. E nada. Sorte alguma, nada dele aparecer. Só o gato da vizinha que as vezes aparecia lá em casa do nada. ( Outro episódio da minha vida que preciso contar).

Alguns meses depois, eu estava numa rua ( 4 ruas da minha) onde estava acontecendo várias garage sales na vizinhança. Encontrei uma amiga e eita que mundinho pequeno, ela também sabia de todo o ocorrido e começou a fazer perguntas, comecei a falar de tudo que aconteceu. Estavamos dentro de uma garagem de uma casa imensa e uma senhora estava sentada num cantinho só prestando atenção na nossa conversa. Ela veio em minha direção e disse:

Senhora: - Então voce perdeu um gato listrado um tempo atras?

Eu: - Sim, um macho castrado e sem unhas.

Ela entrou na casa dela e trouxe um gato fofo nos braços.

Senhora: - Este é o seu gato perdido?

Eu quase desmaiei! Lá estava ele bem na minha frente. Todo pomposo com um colar bonito e parecendo feliz e `a vontade. Perdi o ar!

Senhora: - É o seu gato?

Eu: - Sim, o gato da minha amiga.

Senhora: - Ele apareceu aqui um tempo atras, e ficou amigo do meu gato. Coloquei um anúncio mas ninguém ligou.

    *  Nem mesmo o meu amigo Guga? O entendido de gatos?

Eu: - Não entendo como não vimos o seu anúncio. Nós procuramos por ele por toda parte.

Ela não disse que tipo de anúncio fez. E tambem não entendi como ela não viu o nosso. E também não sei quanto tempo o gato levou para encontrar a casa dela, nem perguntei. Pensei que fosse aquelas coisas do destino, afinal o gato encontrou essa pessoa super bacana que estava cuidando tão bem dele.

Senhora: - Voce o quer de volta? Eu entendo se voce quiser.

Então expliquei que tinha que ligar para a verdadeira dona do gato, liguei e disse toda a verdade, o que ela já sabia. Disse que tinha encontrado o bichano mas ela não podia mais ficar com ele.  Liguei para a outra senhora e disse que ela poderia ficar com o bichano. Ela ficou bem contente,  eu tambem, pois ele achou uma casa legal , uma familia bacana e um irmão para brincar. E eu estranhamente acabei ficando sem gato algum. Levou 5 anos para a gente comprar uma casa e adotar um gato.

Ai conclui que eu tinha 7 vidas para suportar essa minha vida louca com os gatos. E que por agora depois dessa maluquice toda só restou umas 4 ou 5 vidas.

E mais assunto de gatos ainda estar por vir meus amigos!

LIES ABOUT CATS - PART 1 / MENTIRAS SOBRE GATOS - PART 1

Love cats and I can see myself old surrounded by them. Many of them. But in 1996 I was just living in the US for 4 years, my kids were very little and a friend of mine asked me if I could care for his daughter's kitty for a few weeks and I said yes right away. Miss having a pet with me and that was my only chance of having one just for a while and see if my kids could respect and care for him and maybe one day we could have one of our own.

The cat arrives and he was very very shy and didn't want to interact with us, hiding and only coming out to eat at night. Very normal, it was a very different environment for him and it was just a matter of time to get use to us (the bonkers). One week passed and he was getting easy. Coming out from nowhere at day light and sometimes asking for food.  Then one day I was doing some laundry and dropped some bleach on the floor. Cleaned and opened a small window above the dryer machine so that strong odor could go away, but in minutes  the cat escaped. I was in total panic!

I don't remember his name, he was a neutered male and declawed.  I was alone with the kids for weeks. Their daddy traveling to Japan. Got a bunch of kids from our neighborhood and asked them to go after the cat with a big reward. Nothing! Made some ads and put on people's door with the cat's description. Nothing. Put his cage next to my door with some food in hope he would show up in the middle of the night. I was sleeping on the cold floor right next to the door with my fingers crossed and I saw raccoons, a fox, all the cats from my neighborhood, but not the cat I wanted! Then in the middle of my despair, I decide to put an ad on the local newspaper. My answer machine was broken and again my friend Graziela said it would be a good idea to put her number instead, so if someone calls in the middle of the night, her husband Guga would go after the cat. After all I was all alone with 3 little kids. GREAT!

But wait: GUGA, THE ONE WHO NEVER SAW THE CAT IN HIS LIFETIME!

Got a call late at night and Guga tells me someone found the cat. YAY! He went to this guy house and got the cat, YAY! He payed the reward and came to my house. YAY!

I looked at the cat and said:

Me: Guga, this is not the cat.

Guga: Cool off! He lost weight while starving in the streets.

Me: Look! His tummy is kinda yellowish. This is not the cat.

Guga: He lost too much weight and now all his funny hair is showing off.

 It was a lovely cat. Guga left. I sat on the couch feeling helpless and the gracious and most lovely cat jumped on my lap. Remember: the other cat would never come near us! He should be very but very grateful to be back home, after all it must be really rough to get lost in the streets!

All of the suddenly I felt his sharp claws on my legs!!!!  I call Guga immediately.

Me: Guga! This is not the cat!

Guga: What do you mean it's not the cat? He is just like the one in the picture.

Me: This one has claws, the other one is declawed.

Guga: Well maybe his claws grew back and nobody notice, he was on the streets and this is the only way he could survive. Declaw him again and your friend will never notice a thing.

Me: Please take the cat back!

Guga: Are you nuts? I went to this crazy place with a huge guy with a mad face. I'm not going back.

The adorable cat playing on the floor next to me and I thought: I need a cold bath or hang myself up!

Then husband comes back from his long trip, very very very happy with the whole situation. We were having breakfast one day, and the most charming cat starring and blinking at us, a picture of happiness. Then he said:

Husband: You didn't only get the wrong bloody cat, you payed a reward for it and SHE IS PREGNANT.

Then I new how she was getting chubby daily. It wasn't only food and love I was giving to her.

I remember not feeling my legs again. And very very soon we had to return the original cat to the owner. We tried the ads again and nothing.

Every time my phone rang, I though I was getting punched in the stomach. One fine day for some odd reason I wasn't thinking about it and I got the phone call I was waiting for soooooo long:

Owner: Hiiiiiii  thank you so much for all your help. How is my cute cat?

Me: Doing fine.

* When you lie your dirty face off, keep it short! You might be able to remember your stupid words one day!My last hope was that for the next 15 minutes the cat would appear at my door, waive at me, ask to come inside again and I could return it to her.

Owner: Did he behave?

Me: Just like an angel!

* Maybe there was still time to run to the nearest pet store and get another cat like hers and return it and we all would have a happy ending. Just like some parents who rush and get a new fish just like the one they found floating inside a fish tank instead of telling the whole true to the kid. (I'm not judging them. I'd do exactly the same!)

Owner: Oh I'm glad!

Me: When are you coming to pick him up?

*Hoping she would do that in fifteen years time. My heart was racing soooooooo fast!

Owner: Well you know, I'm out of money and my daddy said that your kids love my cat, and I'm wondering if you would like to keep him.

* I was on my knees almost crying!

Me: Oh how sweet! Of course we love HIM! We would love to keep HIM. THANK YOU!

* Now, go away!

Owner: Can I came over to see him sometime?

Me: Of course!

* NOT!  what the hell are you thinking? The cat belongs to me now! Don't come near my property!

Owner: Well thank you! I'm pretty sure you are going to take good care of him.

* Uhnnn that sounded soooo fishy!

Me: Have a nice life!

I hang up! Enough of cat lies for a day!

Shortly after, I learned that she knew everything. Her family told her and they all had a good laugh at the situation I put myself into. And she made up all this talk to make it easy for me and of course see if I was coming up with the truth or just tease me or else... That was very sweet of her and I never told her anything, I was still in hope to find her cat.

So, now I had one pregnant cat that stole my heart and a run away cat that now belongs to me but no idea of his whereabouts. What was the destiny of these two cats? This is coming up next my friends.

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Mentiras sobre gatos

Eu amo gatos e me vejo bem velhinha cercada por eles. Muito deles. Mas em 1996 estava morando aqui nos Estados Unidos por 4 anos, minhas crianças eram pequenas e um amigo meu perguntou se eu poderia tomar conta do gato da filha dele por algumas semanas e eu disse sim de imediato.  Sentia falta de ter um animalzinho comigo e esta seria uma oportunidade de ter por um curto periodo e verificar se minhas crianças iriam respeitá-lo e cuidar dele e ai sim talvez um dia nos poderíamos ter o nosso.

O gato chegou muito timido e não queria nada com a gente, escondendo e só vinha comer na calada da noite. Normal, era um ambiente estranho pra ele e seria só questão de tempo para se acostumar com a gente ( os malucos). Uma semana se passou e ele estava melhorando. Surgia do nada durante o dia e às vezes pedia comida. Então um dia eu estava lavando roupas e derrubei cândida no chão. Limpei, e abri uma janela pequena para que o ar ventilasse, mas em questão de minutos o gato escapou. Eu entrei em pânico total!

Não me lembro mais o nome dele, era castrado e não tinha as unhas. Eu estava sozinha com as minhas crianças por semanas. O pai deles estava no Japão. Catei um bando de crianças na vizinhança e pedi que elas fossem atrás do gato e quem achasse ia ganhar uma recompensa. E nada! Fiz folhetos e distribuí na vizinhaça com a descrição do gato. Nada! Coloquei a jaula dele do lado de fora perto da minha porta de entrada, com comida com a esperança de que ele fosse surgir na calada da noite. Eu dormia no chão gelado, perto da porta com os dedos cruzados e vi Guaxinim, vi tambem uma raposa, a gataiada da vizinhança inteira, mas o gato mesmo, necas! Então naquele meu desespero todo, eu decidi colocar um anúncio no jornal local. Minha secretária eletrônica estava quebrada e minha amiga Graziela, disse que seria uma excelente ideia colocar o numero dela, caso alguem ligasse no meio da noite, assim o marido dela, o Guga poderia ir atrás do gato. Afinal eu estava sozinha com 3 criancinhas. Perfeito!

Mas amigos leitores: O GUGA, AQUELE QUE NUNCA TINHA VISTO O GATO NA VIDA!

Recebi uma ligação tarde da noite e era o Guga dizendo que alguém achou o gato! YUPI! Lá foi ele na casa de um cara pegar o gato de volta! YUPI! Pagar a recompensa e trazê-lo pra minha casa! YUPI! YUPI! YUPIIII!

Olhei pro gato e disse:

Eu: Guga, esse não é o gato!

Guga: Fica fria! Ele perdeu peso enquanto passava fome na rua.

Eu: Olha a barriga dele e amarelada. Não é o gato.

Guga: Ele perdeu peso e agora esse pelo todo fica aparecendo.

Era um amor de gato. Guga foi embora. Eu sentei no sofá meio perdida, e o gato fofinho e mais amável desse mundo pulou no meu colo. Lembrem-se: O outro mal chegava perto da gente. Ele deveria estar agradecidíssimo de estar de volta, afinal deve ser dureza ficar sozinho nas ruas perigosas da cidade.

De repente, senti as unhas dele cravar nas minhas pernas. Liguei pro Guga imediatamente!

Eu: Guga, esse não é o gato!

Guga: O que voce quer dizer não é o gato? Ele é igual o da foto!

Eu: Esse tem as unhas, o gato da menina não tem unhas.

Guga: Talvez as unhas dele cresceram de novo e ninguém notou. Ele estava nas ruas e as unhas seriam o único meio de sobrevivência dele. Manda tirar as unhas dele de novo e sua amiga não vai notar nada.

Eu: Guga por favor leva o gato de volta!

Guga: Voce está doida? Eu fui nesse lugar doido e o cara que atendeu era enorme e mal encarado. Não vou voltar mais lá não.

E o gato adorável brincando no chão perto de mim e pensei: Preciso de um banho frio ou me enforcar de vez!

Ai o marido volta da sua longa viajem, muito, muito , mas muito feliz com a situação toda. Um dia estávamos tomando café da manhã e o gato ali do nosso lado nos olhando amorosamente e piscando pra gente. Ai ele disse:

Marido: Voce não só pegou o gato sangrento errado, voce pagou recompensa e ainda trouxe uma GATA GRÁVIDA pra casa.

Ai eu entendi a verdadeira causa dela estar ganhando tanto peso diariamente. Não era só comida e amor que eu estava dando. Não sentia mais as minhas pernas. E em breve, a gente tinha que retornar o gato original para a dona. Colocamos mais anúncios no jornal e nada.

Toda vez que meu telefone tocava, era como se eu levasse um murro no estômago. Um dia por alguma razão estranha eu não estava nem pensando no assunto, recebi o telefonema que estava esperando por um loooooongo tempo:

Dona do gato: Oiiii muito obrigada por toda a sua ajuda. Como está meu gato fofinho?

Eu: Ele está ótimo!

* Quando voce mente sua cara toda suja e descarada, faça de um modo simples e curto! Talvez no futuro voce consiga lembrar das suas palavras tolas. Minha esperança era que nos próximos 15 minutos o gato fosse aparecer na minha porta, acenasse pra mim, pedisse pra entrar de novo e então eu poderia retorná-lo.  

Dona do gato: Ele se comportou?

Eu: Como um anjo!

* Ai aquele maldito gato fujão! Mas talvez ainda desse tempo de correr na lojinha mais próxima e pegar outro gato parecido como o dela, retorná-lo e assim todos teriam um final feliz. Como aqueles pais que encontram um peixe boiando no aquário e correm na loja, compram outro peixe ao invés de contar toda a verdade para os filhos. (Não os julgo, faria o mesmo).

Dona do gato: Fico feliz!

Eu: Quando voce virá pegar o gato de volta?

* Torcendo para que ela fizesse isso em 15 anos.  Meu coração saindo pela boca!

Dona do Gato: Então, eu ando sem grana, e meu pai disse que suas crianças amaram o gato e fico pensando se você não gostaria de ficar com ele.

* Eu tava de joelhos no chão quase chorando!

Eu: Que adorável! É claaaaaro que nós o amamos. Vamos adorar ficar com ele. OBRIGADA!!!  

* Agora SOME!

Dona do gato: Posso aparecer e visitá-lo de vez em quando?

Me: Mas é claro!

* Mas é claro que NÃO! Voce está pensando o quê? O gato agora me pertence. Nem se aproxime da minha propriedade!

Dona do gato: Ora, obrigada! Tenho certeza que voces cuidarão muito bem dele.

* Ummmm.... aquilo soou estranho....

Eu: Seja feliz!

E desliguei! Chega de tanta mentiras sobre gatos por um dia!

Logo depois, eu descobri que ela já sabia de tudo. A família já tinha contado, e eles riram que nem doidos de toda a situação que eu me enfiei por causa daquele gato. Ela inventou toda essa conversa pra facilitar pra mim e claro, checar se eu ia contar a verdade e tirar uma onda da minha fuça ou algo mais... Achei bem doce da parte dela e eu nunca disse a verdade pois ainda estava na esperança de achar o gato e devolvê-lo.

Então, agora eu tenho uma gata gravida que roubou meu coração, e um gato fujão que agora me pertence mas que não sabia mais do seu paradeiro. Qual seria o destino desses dois gatos? É o que está por vir, meu amigos.

I want my name shaken, not stirred!

My fictitious Mica Mancada name came from an internet group ten years ago. A group that I'm very connected to this day with people from all over my country and some around this world.  But my real name is Audrey. So, really nice to meet you! Someone in my family liked that amazing woman Audrey Hepburn. Well actually my mother's side liked tons of artists and some of us were named after them. Like my aunt Sofia Loren. Yes! I got one in the family and she always loved her name.

We had tons of fun with our names. Among my mother's sisters there were also: Shirley ( not Temple), Marlene ( not Dietrich) and an uncle named after a president from Brazil.

But only Sofia Loren had a full celebrity name. She was so much into it that every time we got a picture from her she used to stuff her chest and put out her lip, almost like the original one! Sometimes I thought she really believed she was the real chick.

Well one fine day she had a co-worker coming to our town for a business trip. And she calls me saying that we should take him out after work for a dinner and some fun. He was from Rio. I always thought that people from Rio had daily fun in their lives. To me was kinda hard to make a good impression in my little not so little town. But we decided to go out and dance, so we took him to this place called : Number Two.

Right at the entrance the receptionist came to fill out our consumption cards, we need our names marked on it and drink, eat, and dance all night. Easy! I was the first one in line:

Receptionist:  Welcome to Number Two! Your name please?

Me:  Audrey.  A - U - D - R - E - Y

The only thing about my name in Brazil was that every single time I had to spell it, unless I'd fancy be called: Audri, Audrei, Aldre, Audreia or I even been called LAUNDRY!!!!

Then came my aunt with her lips out and her chest up ( never mind push bras back in the 90's, she new it all!).

Sofia Loren:  Sofia Loooooooooooreeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnn

And her friend very intrigued with the whole situation was next:

Receptionist: Welcome to Number Two! And your name is?

Friend:  Bond, James Bond.

I just froze. How dare he? His name was something that I don't recall anymore but it wasn't James, or anything like it. Plus: He didn't look anything like any Bond guy that ever existed! But then I remembered that I myself never looked anything like Audrey Hepburn and neither my aunt looked like that gorgeous italian lady either! He was truly trying to make fun of us until the conversation with my aunt took place:

Sofia Loren: Oh! I didn't know your name was James Bond!!!!

Friend: My name is not James Bond!

Sofia Loren: But you just ...

Friend: Is your name Sofia Loren? Because if I understand everyone here has a sort of fictitious name!!!! Why Can't I have one?

Ok I was hiding behind somewhere I new what was coming...

Sofia Loren: But my name is Sofia Loren  and my niece's name is Audrey.

Friend: Hepburn? Freaking Hepburn? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Honestly, your parents were so lazy that they couldn't come up with some name other than someone from the show Biz ?

At this time I just want to say to him that I had a HUGE brother called Mike Tyson, he would easily SHAKE and STIR that idiot!

And the whole night ended with that James Bond thing calling me not Audrey but Miss Hepburn. So, I had to have my revenge: I was always smiling and putting some leftovers from other tables inside his drinks/food. Some cigar ashes too. He was so thrilled that he was hanging out with Sofia Loren & Audrey ( now Hepburn) that he never noticed.

I don't know if back in time Sofia Loren and Audrey Hepburn ( the actresses) used to hang out but from then on I thought it wasn't a good combination after all. They had to shine separately their own way!

Heads rolling

Try to imagine the two goofiest people on earth trying to solve a problem. It doesn't have to be a big problem really. I'd say give these two people a very simple task and watch OUT for the results. But for me and my friend Graziela there is no such a thing as silly tasks, big or small. We can face them all!

So she calls me to come to her house and get a little pool she wanted to give to my kids. It was summer 1997, perfect time. So i got all my 3 little ones and off we went to get the pool. How exciting! YAY!

It was a very very windy day, and of course I went there all prepared! So the pool was apparently bigger than my huge van. We decided to tie it up on the top of the car with a very silly craft cord. The kids could not wait to fill it up and splash water all over and have tons of fun. Mommy is our hero right?

We were about to leave and Graziela announces that she locked herself and her huge dog out of the house. Hey! No problem, told her to jump in and we could go to her husband workplace and get a spare key. Problem solved.

Along the way Graziela was telling me to drive very careful. Hey look! A speed bump! Watch out while making a turn. Another speed bump slooow doooown. So we decide to go to my house first to leave the pool and then go to her hubby's workplace. And along the way I was driving like a 109 year old with Graziela telling me what to do .

Ah what a relieve! We finally made it, I thought that day would never come. Open the garage door and Graziela told me that I should get the pool out first from the top of the car. She was right. Did I want the pool to get trapped on the garage door? I think not! I got out of the car and when I looked at the top... where's the swimming pool? 

I remember feeling both my legs very weak.  Graziela laughing out crazy inside the car. All along the way of course she told me to watch for the speed bumps and the pool was long gone from the roof! 

I tried to keep calm, my kids weren't happy at all with the whole situation. Their bloody mother managed to loose a pool! A pool! Who loses a pool for christ sake? Worst yet: What if someone drove over the pool? A poor family got a blue pool right on the windscreen and all die carbonized? But Graziela reminded me that perhaps I got someone's head off! Not anyone...a little innocent kid!!!!  I was panicking! And getting close to her house I saw a few police cars along the way. Graziela telling me I should duck down. My heart was racing so fast! I could see a head rolling right close to the stop sign. I could feel handcuffs around my wrists, I had the sensation everyone in that street was looking at me. But then we saw the pool in a corner, very very close to Graziela's house. Sitting there all alone, no head , no body, no police car. Maybe was a trap I thought. Made a u-turn to get that swimming pool that I no longer  desired anymore.

  

The only way to get it back was to stuff it in the back of the van. Five people plus a huge dog squeezing inside the van and the pool would not fit. So a part of it was hanging outside of the car .  I was so angry that I felt like the incredible Hulk and I bent the pool inside but had no luck trying to shut the back door. But at least my 8 year old could from his seat keep an eye on it while we drove back home. Right?

Driving back home with my dear friend directions and how careful I should be this time! Double careful! More traffic lights, curves, speed bumps. Oh the speed bumps!!! On the third one we heard a huge PLOOOC. To me sounded like a baby being delivered in a cartoon. I look at the mirror and a car behind us trying to get our attention. 

Yes the pool in the middle of the road this time. The guy from the other car came running to help me. I just checked if his head was still hanging in there. Alas I looked at him and he reminded me something or someone. I couldn't figure it out. I was just thankful he was alright because that could have been a tragic accident. I just want to lay down in the middle of the street and had a big truck running over my body. I was tired.

We both squished the pool inside the car. I was no longer angry. The guy turn to me and handle a business card and said:

- Hope one day you remember who helped you today.

I thanked him and got inside the car and when I looked at the card the guy who helped me worked as Santa! Yeah this was living proof that X-Mas in july does exist and so does Santa! Graziela was holding both her hands on her tummy and laughing all the way home. What a joy!

Come fly with me to Niagara Falls

It all started when I was planning a trip to my homeland: Brazil. My passport was dated and I heard talks of being able or not to travel with a passport that was no longer good. I was going to drive from Rochester NY to Toronto - Canada by car and from Toronto I'd get a flight to São Paulo. Called the brazilian consulate and they assured me that I was not going to be able to cross the border from USA to Canada without my passport being validated. I explained that I had a green card and the answer was no. I didn't have time to get a new passport. Darn! 
 Well, I decided to go to the border and find it out myself. Got into my car and drove one hour and fifteen minutes from here to the Niagara Falls. It was a beautiful summer day, and along the way I stopped to get some gas and a fly got inside my car, it was pretty much annoying. I opened all windows and it seems that it didn't want to get out, payed tolls and nothing, it was there, still. I was getting close to the border. And I must say I never in my life traveling any country in this whole wide world I got any pleasure crossing any borders. Perhaps is my big hair and the look of someone who smuggles little children from country to country. But anyway I was getting prepared to get double annoyed from an officer and that bloody fly bugging me all along the trip. Then I arrived at the border and the most gorgeous, amazing looking immigration officer was staring at me. Looked like a Ford model. I immediately  forgot all my love for George Clooney . That was simply not true on my book.
 Officer: - Welcome to Canada! What brings you in here?
 Me: - YOU! 
 The guy jumped! 
 Officer: - Well but what you came in here to Canada for? 
 Me: - To see you! Only you! 
 Ok the guy was laughing and at the same time purple, pink, blue and all colors of the rainbow. And I'm going to tell you something my friends: These people from the immigration NEVER, NEVER laugh. So I think he lost his voice after that and I continued: 
 Me: - May I ask you a little question? 
 Ok that was it! The guy was really thinking I was hitting on him. So then I told him that I was just there to ask him if I could cross the border with my dated passport and my valid green card on a trip I was planning a little further. Oh my gosh he open that gorgeous smile and explained to me that the passport wasn't going to be a issue if I had the green card. But that in Brazil I'd have to make another passport or I wouldn't be able to leave my country and so and so... and then he asked me a question: 
 Officer: - Did you really come here just to see me? Because I can open the gate for you to make an U-Turn and go back to US or you can go to the Canadian Niagara Falls and have a little fun and go back to the border again.
 Well then I just melted! How adorable! My very first pleasant experience crossing a border!!! An immigration officer good looking and being absolutely a gentleman. What the heck? I'm going to see the Canadian Niagara and then go back to US and go to work that same afternoon. 
 So I kept driving, looking at the amazing Niagara Falls from my window, all the tourists clicking their cameras, all the happy families, that amazing myst brushing on my face from the falls, a perfect day! And it seems that it was a perfect day for someone else too: The fly! It just bug off out of my car mixing into the crowd. After all I helped an illegal american fly to cross the border and perhaps today it works for the Casino Niagara buzzing around the old fellas playing black jack making them confused by doing dumb decisions and losing tons of money. Just a perfect , perfect simple day for me!