Monday, April 14, 2014

LIES ABOUT CATS - PART 1 / MENTIRAS SOBRE GATOS - PART 1

Love cats and I can see myself old surrounded by them. Many of them. But in 1996 I was just living in the US for 4 years, my kids were very little and a friend of mine asked me if I could care for his daughter's kitty for a few weeks and I said yes right away. Miss having a pet with me and that was my only chance of having one just for a while and see if my kids could respect and care for him and maybe one day we could have one of our own.

The cat arrives and he was very very shy and didn't want to interact with us, hiding and only coming out to eat at night. Very normal, it was a very different environment for him and it was just a matter of time to get use to us (the bonkers). One week passed and he was getting easy. Coming out from nowhere at day light and sometimes asking for food.  Then one day I was doing some laundry and dropped some bleach on the floor. Cleaned and opened a small window above the dryer machine so that strong odor could go away, but in minutes  the cat escaped. I was in total panic!

I don't remember his name, he was a neutered male and declawed.  I was alone with the kids for weeks. Their daddy traveling to Japan. Got a bunch of kids from our neighborhood and asked them to go after the cat with a big reward. Nothing! Made some ads and put on people's door with the cat's description. Nothing. Put his cage next to my door with some food in hope he would show up in the middle of the night. I was sleeping on the cold floor right next to the door with my fingers crossed and I saw raccoons, a fox, all the cats from my neighborhood, but not the cat I wanted! Then in the middle of my despair, I decide to put an ad on the local newspaper. My answer machine was broken and again my friend Graziela said it would be a good idea to put her number instead, so if someone calls in the middle of the night, her husband Guga would go after the cat. After all I was all alone with 3 little kids. GREAT!

But wait: GUGA, THE ONE WHO NEVER SAW THE CAT IN HIS LIFETIME!

Got a call late at night and Guga tells me someone found the cat. YAY! He went to this guy house and got the cat, YAY! He payed the reward and came to my house. YAY!

I looked at the cat and said:

Me: Guga, this is not the cat.

Guga: Cool off! He lost weight while starving in the streets.

Me: Look! His tummy is kinda yellowish. This is not the cat.

Guga: He lost too much weight and now all his funny hair is showing off.

 It was a lovely cat. Guga left. I sat on the couch feeling helpless and the gracious and most lovely cat jumped on my lap. Remember: the other cat would never come near us! He should be very but very grateful to be back home, after all it must be really rough to get lost in the streets!
All of the suddenly I felt his sharp claws on my legs!!!!  I call Guga immediately.

Me: Guga! This is not the cat!

Guga: What do you mean it's not the cat? He is just like the one in the picture.

Me: This one has claws, the other one is declawed.

Guga: Well maybe his claws grew back and nobody notice, he was on the streets and this is the only way he could survive. Declaw him again and your friend will never notice a thing.

Me: Please take the cat back!

Guga: Are you nuts? I went to this crazy place with a huge guy with a mad face. I'm not going back.

The adorable cat playing on the floor next to me and I thought: I need a cold bath or hang myself up!

Then husband comes back from his long trip, very very very happy with the whole situation. We were having breakfast one day, and the most charming cat starring and blinking at us, a picture of happiness. Then he said:

Husband: You didn't only get the wrong bloody cat, you payed a reward for it and SHE IS PREGNANT.

Then I new how she was getting chubby daily. It wasn't only food and love I was giving to her.
I remember not feeling my legs again. And very very soon we had to return the original cat to the owner. We tried the ads again and nothing.

Every time my phone rang, I though I was getting punched in the stomach. One fine day for some odd reason I wasn't thinking about it and I got the phone call I was waiting for soooooo long:

Owner: Hiiiiiii  thank you so much for all your help. How is my cute cat?

Me: Doing fine.

* When you lie your dirty face off, keep it short! You might be able to remember your stupid words one day!My last hope was that for the next 15 minutes the cat would appear at my door, waive at me, ask to come inside again and I could return it to her.

Owner: Did he behave?

Me: Just like an angel!

* Maybe there was still time to run to the nearest pet store and get another cat like hers and return it and we all would have a happy ending. Just like some parents who rush and get a new fish just like the one they found floating inside a fish tank instead of telling the whole true to the kid. (I'm not judging them. I'd do exactly the same!)

Owner: Oh I'm glad!

Me: When are you coming to pick him up?

*Hoping she would do that in fifteen years time. My heart was racing soooooooo fast!

Owner: Well you know, I'm out of money and my daddy said that your kids love my cat, and I'm wondering if you would like to keep him.

* I was on my knees almost crying!

Me: Oh how sweet! Of course we love HIM! We would love to keep HIM. THANK YOU!

* Now, go away!

Owner: Can I came over to see him sometime?

Me: Of course!

* NOT!  what the hell are you thinking? The cat belongs to me now! Don't come near my property!

Owner: Well thank you! I'm pretty sure you are going to take good care of him.

* Uhnnn that sounded soooo fishy!

Me: Have a nice life!

I hang up! Enough of cat lies for a day!

Shortly after, I learned that she knew everything. Her family told her and they all had a good laugh at the situation I put myself into. And she made up all this talk to make it easy for me and of course see if I was coming up with the truth or just tease me or else... That was very sweet of her and I never told her anything, I was still in hope to find her cat.

So, now I had one pregnant cat that stole my heart and a run away cat that now belongs to me but no idea of his whereabouts. What was the destiny of these two cats? This is coming up next my friends.


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Mentiras sobre gatos



Eu amo gatos e me vejo bem velhinha cercada por eles. Muito deles. Mas em 1996 estava morando aqui nos Estados Unidos por 4 anos, minhas crianças eram pequenas e um amigo meu perguntou se eu poderia tomar conta do gato da filha dele por algumas semanas e eu disse sim de imediato.  Sentia falta de ter um animalzinho comigo e esta seria uma oportunidade de ter por um curto periodo e verificar se minhas crianças iriam respeitá-lo e cuidar dele e ai sim talvez um dia nos poderíamos ter o nosso.

O gato chegou muito timido e não queria nada com a gente, escondendo e só vinha comer na calada da noite. Normal, era um ambiente estranho pra ele e seria só questão de tempo para se acostumar com a gente ( os malucos). Uma semana se passou e ele estava melhorando. Surgia do nada durante o dia e às vezes pedia comida. Então um dia eu estava lavando roupas e derrubei cândida no chão. Limpei, e abri uma janela pequena para que o ar ventilasse, mas em questão de minutos o gato escapou. Eu entrei em pânico total!

Não me lembro mais o nome dele, era castrado e não tinha as unhas. Eu estava sozinha com as minhas crianças por semanas. O pai deles estava no Japão. Catei um bando de crianças na vizinhança e pedi que elas fossem atrás do gato e quem achasse ia ganhar uma recompensa. E nada! Fiz folhetos e distribuí na vizinhaça com a descrição do gato. Nada! Coloquei a jaula dele do lado de fora perto da minha porta de entrada, com comida com a esperança de que ele fosse surgir na calada da noite. Eu dormia no chão gelado, perto da porta com os dedos cruzados e vi Guaxinim, vi tambem uma raposa, a gataiada da vizinhança inteira, mas o gato mesmo, necas! Então naquele meu desespero todo, eu decidi colocar um anúncio no jornal local. Minha secretária eletrônica estava quebrada e minha amiga Graziela, disse que seria uma excelente ideia colocar o numero dela, caso alguem ligasse no meio da noite, assim o marido dela, o Guga poderia ir atrás do gato. Afinal eu estava sozinha com 3 criancinhas. Perfeito!

Mas amigos leitores: O GUGA, AQUELE QUE NUNCA TINHA VISTO O GATO NA VIDA!

Recebi uma ligação tarde da noite e era o Guga dizendo que alguém achou o gato! YUPI! Lá foi ele na casa de um cara pegar o gato de volta! YUPI! Pagar a recompensa e trazê-lo pra minha casa! YUPI! YUPI! YUPIIII!

Olhei pro gato e disse:

Eu: Guga, esse não é o gato!

Guga: Fica fria! Ele perdeu peso enquanto passava fome na rua.

Eu: Olha a barriga dele e amarelada. Não é o gato.

Guga: Ele perdeu peso e agora esse pelo todo fica aparecendo.

Era um amor de gato. Guga foi embora. Eu sentei no sofá meio perdida, e o gato fofinho e mais amável desse mundo pulou no meu colo. Lembrem-se: O outro mal chegava perto da gente. Ele deveria estar agradecidíssimo de estar de volta, afinal deve ser dureza ficar sozinho nas ruas perigosas da cidade.
De repente, senti as unhas dele cravar nas minhas pernas. Liguei pro Guga imediatamente!

Eu: Guga, esse não é o gato!

Guga: O que voce quer dizer não é o gato? Ele é igual o da foto!

Eu: Esse tem as unhas, o gato da menina não tem unhas.

Guga: Talvez as unhas dele cresceram de novo e ninguém notou. Ele estava nas ruas e as unhas seriam o único meio de sobrevivência dele. Manda tirar as unhas dele de novo e sua amiga não vai notar nada.

Eu: Guga por favor leva o gato de volta!

Guga: Voce está doida? Eu fui nesse lugar doido e o cara que atendeu era enorme e mal encarado. Não vou voltar mais lá não.

E o gato adorável brincando no chão perto de mim e pensei: Preciso de um banho frio ou me enforcar de vez!

Ai o marido volta da sua longa viajem, muito, muito , mas muito feliz com a situação toda. Um dia estávamos tomando café da manhã e o gato ali do nosso lado nos olhando amorosamente e piscando pra gente. Ai ele disse:

Marido: Voce não só pegou o gato sangrento errado, voce pagou recompensa e ainda trouxe uma GATA GRÁVIDA pra casa.

Ai eu entendi a verdadeira causa dela estar ganhando tanto peso diariamente. Não era só comida e amor que eu estava dando. Não sentia mais as minhas pernas. E em breve, a gente tinha que retornar o gato original para a dona. Colocamos mais anúncios no jornal e nada.

Toda vez que meu telefone tocava, era como se eu levasse um murro no estômago. Um dia por alguma razão estranha eu não estava nem pensando no assunto, recebi o telefonema que estava esperando por um loooooongo tempo:

Dona do gato: Oiiii muito obrigada por toda a sua ajuda. Como está meu gato fofinho?

Eu: Ele está ótimo!

* Quando voce mente sua cara toda suja e descarada, faça de um modo simples e curto! Talvez no futuro voce consiga lembrar das suas palavras tolas. Minha esperança era que nos próximos 15 minutos o gato fosse aparecer na minha porta, acenasse pra mim, pedisse pra entrar de novo e então eu poderia retorná-lo.  

Dona do gato: Ele se comportou?

Eu: Como um anjo!

* Ai aquele maldito gato fujão! Mas talvez ainda desse tempo de correr na lojinha mais próxima e pegar outro gato parecido como o dela, retorná-lo e assim todos teriam um final feliz. Como aqueles pais que encontram um peixe boiando no aquário e correm na loja, compram outro peixe ao invés de contar toda a verdade para os filhos. (Não os julgo, faria o mesmo).

Dona do gato: Fico feliz!

Eu: Quando voce virá pegar o gato de volta?

* Torcendo para que ela fizesse isso em 15 anos.  Meu coração saindo pela boca!

Dona do Gato: Então, eu ando sem grana, e meu pai disse que suas crianças amaram o gato e fico pensando se você não gostaria de ficar com ele.

* Eu tava de joelhos no chão quase chorando!

Eu: Que adorável! É claaaaaro que nós o amamos. Vamos adorar ficar com ele. OBRIGADA!!!  

* Agora SOME!

Dona do gato: Posso aparecer e visitá-lo de vez em quando?

Me: Mas é claro!

* Mas é claro que NÃO! Voce está pensando o quê? O gato agora me pertence. Nem se aproxime da minha propriedade!

Dona do gato: Ora, obrigada! Tenho certeza que voces cuidarão muito bem dele.

* Ummmm.... aquilo soou estranho....

Eu: Seja feliz!

E desliguei! Chega de tanta mentiras sobre gatos por um dia!

Logo depois, eu descobri que ela já sabia de tudo. A família já tinha contado, e eles riram que nem doidos de toda a situação que eu me enfiei por causa daquele gato. Ela inventou toda essa conversa pra facilitar pra mim e claro, checar se eu ia contar a verdade e tirar uma onda da minha fuça ou algo mais... Achei bem doce da parte dela e eu nunca disse a verdade pois ainda estava na esperança de achar o gato e devolvê-lo.

Então, agora eu tenho uma gata gravida que roubou meu coração, e um gato fujão que agora me pertence mas que não sabia mais do seu paradeiro. Qual seria o destino desses dois gatos? É o que está por vir, meu amigos.












Monday, April 07, 2014

I want my name shaken, not stirred!


My fictitious Mica Mancada name came from an internet group ten years ago. A group that I'm very connected to this day with people from all over my country and some around this world.  But my real name is Audrey. So, really nice to meet you! Someone in my family liked that amazing woman Audrey Hepburn. Well actually my mother's side liked tons of artists and some of us were named after them. Like my aunt Sofia Loren. Yes! I got one in the family and she always loved her name.

We had tons of fun with our names. Among my mother's sisters there were also: Shirley ( not Temple), Marlene ( not Dietrich) and an uncle named after a president from Brazil.

But only Sofia Loren had a full celebrity name. She was so much into it that every time we got a picture from her she used to stuff her chest and put out her lip, almost like the original one! Sometimes I thought she really believed she was the real chick.

Well one fine day she had a co-worker coming to our town for a business trip. And she calls me saying that we should take him out after work for a dinner and some fun. He was from Rio. I always thought that people from Rio had daily fun in their lives. To me was kinda hard to make a good impression in my little not so little town. But we decided to go out and dance, so we took him to this place called : Number Two.

Right at the entrance the receptionist came to fill out our consumption cards, we need our names marked on it and drink, eat, and dance all night. Easy! I was the first one in line:

Receptionist:  Welcome to Number Two! Your name please?

Me:  Audrey.  A - U - D - R - E - Y

The only thing about my name in Brazil was that every single time I had to spell it, unless I'd fancy be called: Audri, Audrei, Aldre, Audreia or I even been called LAUNDRY!!!!
Then came my aunt with her lips out and her chest up ( never mind push bras back in the 90's, she new it all!).

Sofia Loren:  Sofia Loooooooooooreeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnn

And her friend very intrigued with the whole situation was next:

Receptionist: Welcome to Number Two! And your name is?

Friend:  Bond, James Bond.

I just froze. How dare he? His name was something that I don't recall anymore but it wasn't James, or anything like it. Plus: He didn't look anything like any Bond guy that ever existed! But then I remembered that I myself never looked anything like Audrey Hepburn and neither my aunt looked like that gorgeous italian lady either! He was truly trying to make fun of us until the conversation with my aunt took place:

Sofia Loren: Oh! I didn't know your name was James Bond!!!!

Friend: My name is not James Bond!

Sofia Loren: But you just ...

Friend: Is your name Sofia Loren? Because if I understand everyone here has a sort of fictitious name!!!! Why Can't I have one?

Ok I was hiding behind somewhere I new what was coming...

Sofia Loren: But my name is Sofia Loren  and my niece's name is Audrey.

Friend: Hepburn? Freaking Hepburn? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Honestly, your parents were so lazy that they couldn't come up with some name other than someone from the show Biz ?

At this time I just want to say to him that I had a HUGE brother called Mike Tyson, he would easily SHAKE and STIR that idiot!
And the whole night ended with that James Bond thing calling me not Audrey but Miss Hepburn. So, I had to have my revenge: I was always smiling and putting some leftovers from other tables inside his drinks/food. Some cigar ashes too. He was so thrilled that he was hanging out with Sofia Loren & Audrey ( now Hepburn) that he never noticed.
I don't know if back in time Sofia Loren and Audrey Hepburn ( the actresses) used to hang out but from then on I thought it wasn't a good combination after all. They had to shine separately their own way!




Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Heads rolling

Try to imagine the two goofiest people on earth trying to solve a problem. It doesn't have to be a big problem really. I'd say give these two people a very simple task and watch OUT for the results. But for me and my friend Graziela there is no such a thing as silly tasks, big or small. We can face them all!
So she calls me to come to her house and get a little pool she wanted to give to my kids. It was summer 1997, perfect time. So i got all my 3 little ones and off we went to get the pool. How exciting! YAY!

It was a very very windy day, and of course I went there all prepared! So the pool was apparently bigger than my huge van. We decided to tie it up on the top of the car with a very silly craft cord. The kids could not wait to fill it up and splash water all over and have tons of fun. Mommy is our hero right?

We were about to leave and Graziela announces that she locked herself and her huge dog out of the house. Hey! No problem, told her to jump in and we could go to her husband workplace and get a spare key. Problem solved.

Along the way Graziela was telling me to drive very careful. Hey look! A speed bump! Watch out while making a turn. Another speed bump slooow doooown. So we decide to go to my house first to leave the pool and then go to her hubby's workplace. And along the way I was driving like a 109 year old with Graziela telling me what to do .

Ah what a relieve! We finally made it, I thought that day would never come. Open the garage door and Graziela told me that I should get the pool out first from the top of the car. She was right. Did I want the pool to get trapped on the garage door? I think not! I got out of the car and when I looked at the top... where's the swimming pool? 

I remember feeling both my legs very weak.  Graziela laughing out crazy inside the car. All along the way of course she told me to watch for the speed bumps and the pool was long gone from the roof! 
I tried to keep calm, my kids weren't happy at all with the whole situation. Their bloody mother managed to loose a pool! A pool! Who loses a pool for christ sake? Worst yet: What if someone drove over the pool? A poor family got a blue pool right on the windscreen and all die carbonized? But Graziela reminded me that perhaps I got someone's head off! Not anyone...a little innocent kid!!!!  I was panicking! And getting close to her house I saw a few police cars along the way. Graziela telling me I should duck down. My heart was racing so fast! I could see a head rolling right close to the stop sign. I could feel handcuffs around my wrists, I had the sensation everyone in that street was looking at me. But then we saw the pool in a corner, very very close to Graziela's house. Sitting there all alone, no head , no body, no police car. Maybe was a trap I thought. Made a u-turn to get that swimming pool that I no longer  desired anymore.
  
The only way to get it back was to stuff it in the back of the van. Five people plus a huge dog squeezing inside the van and the pool would not fit. So a part of it was hanging outside of the car .  I was so angry that I felt like the incredible Hulk and I bent the pool inside but had no luck trying to shut the back door. But at least my 8 year old could from his seat keep an eye on it while we drove back home. Right?

Driving back home with my dear friend directions and how careful I should be this time! Double careful! More traffic lights, curves, speed bumps. Oh the speed bumps!!! On the third one we heard a huge PLOOOC. To me sounded like a baby being delivered in a cartoon. I look at the mirror and a car behind us trying to get our attention. 

Yes the pool in the middle of the road this time. The guy from the other car came running to help me. I just checked if his head was still hanging in there. Alas I looked at him and he reminded me something or someone. I couldn't figure it out. I was just thankful he was alright because that could have been a tragic accident. I just want to lay down in the middle of the street and had a big truck running over my body. I was tired.
We both squished the pool inside the car. I was no longer angry. The guy turn to me and handle a business card and said:

- Hope one day you remember who helped you today.

I thanked him and got inside the car and when I looked at the card the guy who helped me worked as Santa! Yeah this was living proof that X-Mas in july does exist and so does Santa! Graziela was holding both her hands on her tummy and laughing all the way home. What a joy!